
There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud
was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anaïs Nin
How do you define yourself?
Were you the athlete? The caretaker? The listener?
The most popular? The most artistic?
What about being that middle of the road person.
A little of this, a little of that...
but never enough for a title or a label?
Is it really important to have that title?
or that label?
Does that label define you?
I'm a mom - that's a label, but not really the end-all-be-all label I want to define me...
because although I'm trying to define myself I don't want to "just be MOM" - because being a good mom is important, but so is being a good person, a good friend, etc.
I'm a wife - that's a title. But I'm more than that. More than friend, daughter, sister...
When you are trying to discover yourself...where do you start. What do you do?
Do you just start by listing all the things you like? dislike?
Do you take inventory on the brands you like? The books you read? the music you listen to?
Or is it something more?
Is it having a heart-to-heart with a girlfriend? or a sister?
Is it them telling you what role you represent in the world?
This all comes from remembering who I was before kids - what my dreams and passions and choices were all about, to being a new wife, then a pregnant woman, then a nursing mom, then pregnant again and nursing again... and now, 4 years later... I vaugly remember that person.
I've emerged feeling like an empty shell of who I was. Which is both a good and bad thing.
Bad because, come'on? Empty.Shell? Eek!
Good because - yay! Empty! Shell!
Tabala Rasa right?
But how do you make that decision to know who and what and why and all that jazz about you?
The styles I liked seem silly.
The music is obnoxious.
The friendships from then just don't "fit" the same way.
I am having a difficult time defining what makes me, me.
The clients I had and were passionate about have left me jaded and bitter.
I feel like I have bigger, better ideas, but that I should just hold off on them
becuase the original ideas never panned out the right way.
The house we bought 18 months ago feels like just a house - not a home, the way our
100 year old house did.
things just don't feel like they fit. i feel like my daughter clomping around the
kitchen in my shoes.
clomp...clomp...clomp...
The characteristics I've fallen in to, don't feel right.
They feel loose, and clumsy and not like the me, I think I am.
What happened to that person?
Who is this person?
married.30. 2 kids.
i'm more than that, right?
being here in the 'bury...i feel like i'm trying to fit in and make friends... i feel like they're all based around "the kids" and "the family" and "the subdivision"... but what about the friendships that are about "the friend"? or are friendships about "the friend" a thing of my past? now that i'm that married, 30 somthing momma...does that mean i'll never again have that giggly girlfriend to connect with?
i remember thinking that getting older would make dealing with things like this easier... but, really being 10 was the easiest thing ever!
it just seems like the right time to relearn and redevelop
who I really am.
It's time to start defining myself.*
(*though guidance from friends is welcome! and if you've been here, done that - HELP!)